I
replied, setting the tone for most of my subsequent communications.
Rambling garbage and Latin. And why not?
From: "Armitage Shanks"
<[email protected]>
Date: July 12, 2004 10:18:45 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Read and respond soonest
Dear Doctor Uzoma,
I am currently on a round-the-world lecturing tour, being much in demand for my expertise in WTF, which could also be interpeted as World Trade Freedom. But in this age of automagical technology and the easy forwarding and backwarding of e-mail, I am easily in contact with my home ground, or terra cotta as we students of Latin would say. However, insofar as telephonic communication goes at the moment, it doesn't go so far. Even though being difficultly itinerant, I'm still very interested in your proposition and appreciate the unusual quality of your missives.
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum (which means "I wish you all you deserve!"),
Armitage Shanks
Er, no. That last bit actually means "Screw you and the horse you rode in on!" And he replies:
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 01:55:07 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: confirm
Dear Professor Armitage Shanks,
Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,However What You should Do Right Away is To Confirm to me The Name You Wish To Receive The Funds With,Including Your Nominated Bank Account and The Banking Details i.e Telephone,Fax and Name and Address Of The Bank,On The Other Hand You Need To Confirm Your Mailing Address.
I Look Forward To Your Compliance To These Directives To Enable Me Forward Your Name For Payment Approval.
Regards,
Doctor Uzoma.
Well, the good doctor knows no Latin. Let's pile on the insults, and the garbage.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 08:12:41 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: confirm
Dear Doctor Uzoma I Presume,
As I have said passim and frequenter, I am on a world lecturing tour, so will not be picking up mail or anything else communicable or notifiable at my business address for multos annos, I am rather perplexed by your asking for it. This because I have my mailing address put on every mail I send, and you must have seen it three times by now. So I must say "Podex Perfectus Es" [You are a complete arsehole!], which means you are a very thorough and honest worker.
Mirabile dictu I do have some details for my company's bank, and these I can relate.
Royal Bank of Sealand
5 The Row
Sealand 1001
Account: Shanks and Smallhorse Large Deposits
The bank is offshore in order to avoid the taxes and other ardua of city life. I never telephone them, because it is unfortunate that I have a morbid phobia of telephonic irrigation, and so have conducted all business with them via intermediaries and internets.
Their e-mail address is [email protected], and my personal contact, who is reputed to be a real "Merchant Banker", is Monsieur Jean-Michel Sporn.
I hope this all finds you as it leaves me.
In vino veritas,
Armitage
None of that seems to faze him, even the mythical Bank of Sealand, because he comes back with the following, twice.
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 14:08:09 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: regards
Dear Good Friend,
Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,However I wish To Let You Know that I am in Receipt Of Your E-Mail and The Banking detail Information,However I Will Proceed To Submit Them To The Necessary Authorities today,For Approval of your Name For Payment,So As Soon as They Contact You Kindly Notify Me.
I Will Look Forward To Your Positive Response Upon There Contact To You.
Regards,
Dr Uzoma.
Time for an acknowledgement, another insult and some more garbage.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 16:26:58 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: regards
Dear Learned Doctor,
How joyful it was to get your message, even though it came twice - unusual! I am gratified that you seem to be really on my case, in fact "caput tuum in ano est" - you really hit the nail on the head [well no, what I said was "Your head is up your arse!"] and justify my confidence in a "podex perfectus" such as your goodself. I'll be waiting with baited breath for your authorities to contact me.
Nulla mensa sine impensa [There's no such thing as a free lunch!],
Armitage
Two interesting documents arrive, from one lexically challenged James Willians, who apparently can't spell his own name.
From: james willians <[email protected]>
Date: July 19, 2004 20:54:02 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE DOCUMENT 1
ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE DOCUMENT
and then
From: james willians <[email protected]>
Date: July 19, 2004 20:59:05 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2
ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2
Here are the two fakes. The word contract was spelled 'contrat' - the French way - on both. And the "Mickey Mouse" forgeries were SO convincing!
and then
So armed with these totally wonderful fakes, I replied to Willians.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 20, 2004 10:08:37 BST
To: "james willians" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2
Dear Sir,
I have no idea who you are, but I think we both know one person. If we don't, then I'm not the Professor of Kidology I think I am. Which I am. I hereby and with the full force of "vescere bracis meis" [Eat my shorts!] acknowledge receipt of two (2) documents.
What happens next?
Lagunculae Leydianae non accedunt [Batteries not included],
Armitage Shanks, Professor, WTF
I also decided to kick Uzoma into action. I asked him who Willians was, but at least I could spell his name properly.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 20, 2004 20:09:43 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: regards
Dear Learned Doctor,
I recently received two contract documents from a Mr James Williams. Is he one of yours? I hope so.
Anyway, it looked like a postive response, so ---
Vescere bracis meis and let's go for it!
Armitage
I got this back two days later
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 02:02:09 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: Contact Him and update me
Dear Armitage,
Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,Infact James Williams is the ECOWAS PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER,Since He Has Contacted You What You Should Do Now is to contact the International Bank Of Africa and Notify Them Of Your Payment.
Write as Follows;
TO:
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
OFFICE OF THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
MR MUSA IDRIS.
LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO.
PHONE: +228-902-8213.
FAX: +228-226-5981.
E-MAIL: [email protected]
SIR,
RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE.
_______________________________________
I WISH TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO MY CONTRACT PAYMENT DUELY APPROVED BY THE ECOWAS,THEREFORE IT WILL PLEASE ME FOR YOU TO HAVE MY BANKING DETAILS AS STATED BELOW,AS A RECONFIRMATION FOR THE FUND REMITTANCE.
........................
.........................
I WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED IF MY REQUEST IS GRANTED.
SINCERELY YOURS,
PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
So I sent off some crap about the imaginary Royal Bank of Sealand, to the presumably equally imaginary International Bank of Africa
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 07:35:51 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
OFFICE OF THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
MR MUSA IDRIS.
LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO.
SIR,
RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE.
_______________________________________
I WISH TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO MY CONTRACT PAYMENT DUELY APPROVED
BY THE ECOWAS,THEREFORE IT WILL PLEASE ME FOR YOU TO HAVE MY BANKING
DETAILS AS STATED BELOW,AS A RECONFIRMATION FOR THE FUND REMITTANCE.
Royal Bank of Sealand
5 The Row
Sealand 1001
Special named account: Shanks and Smallhorse Large Deposits
I WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED IF MY REQUEST IS GRANTED.
SINCERELY YOURS,
NULLA MENSA SINE IMPENSA [Still no free lunches, then?],
PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
They got back to me very quickly.
From: "musa idris" <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 19:28:57 BST
To: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION
ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND AS SUCH ARE PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION,PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US WE SHALL GET BACK TO YOU BY TOMORROW FOR ADVISE.
REGARDS,
MR MUSA IDRIS.
REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.
I copied in Uzoma - as though he didn't know already, because he sent it. I decided to get anxious, too.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 21:27:04 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Fw: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION
Dear Friend, Doctor and Podex Perfectus ["complete arsehole", remember?],
Things seem to be moving. I thought you might like to see the mail I just got.
But are you really sure that this deal is legal, above board, and as we scholars say, testes canis [The Dog's Bollocks]?
I'm getting a bit concerned.
In vino veritas,
Armitage
----- Original Message -----
From: "musa idris" <[email protected]>
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 13:28:57 -0500
To: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION
ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND AS SUCH ARE PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION,PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US WE SHALL GET BACK TO YOU BY TOMORROW FOR ADVISE.
REGARDS,
MR MUSA IDRIS.
REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.
He assures me it is all completely "testes canis", but not in those words, of course!
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 25, 2004 23:14:44 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: MY ADVICE
Dear Friend,
Greetings and thank you for your mail, With regards to your mail, I write to confirm to you that this transaction is legal, Because of my position here i will not involve myself in any transaction that is illegal, moreover this transaction is backed up with legal documents
Finally if the bank contact you do confirm to me immediately for advice.
Dr Howells
Then it went very quiet for over four days. Has he cottoned on? Obviously not, because Idris finally got back to me. I thought he said "tomorrow". Lazy bugger!
From: "musa idris" <[email protected]>
Date: July 29, 2004 05:07:04 BST
To: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Subject: PROVIDE US WITH INCORPORATION CERTIFICATE
ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
WE WISH TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED OUR VERIFICATION AS REGARDS YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND WE WILL SATISFACTORILY REMIT YOUR FUND WITHOUT HITCH,AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR CERTIFICATE OF INCORPORATION DUELY REGISTERED HERE IN LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO,BECAUSE IT WILL BE REQUESTED BY OUR FORIGN AFFAIRS MINISTRY AS AN EVIDENCE OF PERMISSION TO EXECUTE CONTRACT WITHIN THIS SHORES,BEFORE YOUR FUND WILL BE REMITTED TO YOU.
BUT IF BY ANY WAY YOU DO NOT POSES THE SAID CERTIFICATE,YOU ARE ADVISED TO SORT FOR THE CONTACT OF A BANK ACCREDITED ATTORNEY HERE IN LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO,TO SECURE ONE FOR YOU,AND SUBMIT IT TO US ON YOUR BEHALF FOR US TO REMIT YOUR CONTRACT FUND TO YOU WITHOUT DELAY.
WE CONGRATULATE YOU FOR THIS DEVELOPMENT WHILE AWAITING YOUR SWIFT COMPLIANCE TO OUR REQUEST.
REGARDS,
MR MUSA IDRIS.
REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.
I have now become rather bored with this. I can see the scam coming, but am not prepared to spend a lot of time following this one through as I'm about to go on holiday! So I sent him a "Dear Mugu" letter. But just to make sure this "mugu togolais" understands, I explained it all to him in French and in English.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 29, 2004 08:38:29 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: Fw: PROVIDE US WITH INCORPORATION CERTIFICATE
Mon p’tit con,
J’écris ce dernier mot en français et en anglais, dans l’espoir que tu vas comprendre l’un ou l’autre.
Je peux prédire l’avenir. Voyons. Je t’envoie le courriel que je viens de recevoir d’Idris. Tu me recommandes un juriste digne de confiance. Il fournira le certificat requis, mais il y aura des droits à percevoir. Je serai convaincu de lui payer, en espèces. Ensuite il y aura d’autres droits, à plusieurs reprises. Je ne vais jamais recevoir de l’argent. Est-ce que je peux prédire l’avenir ? Et Uzoma, Idris et le juriste. Ils sont la même personne ? Sans doute. Penses-tu que je suis né de la dernière pluie ?
Lorsque ton premier courriel est arrivé, j’ai bien compris plusieurs choses. D’abord qu’il n’y avait jamais de dollars, ni dix millions, ni dix. Deuxièmement que tu es un menteur et un voleur, et que tu n’es pas de tout efficace dans l’un rôle ou l’autre. Et finalement que ce serait bien si je puisse te faire perdre du temps et te faire passer pour un idiot devant un large public
Donc j’ai inventé le pseudonyme Armitage Shanks, et je me suis nommé professeur de «kidology». «Kidology» - la science de charrier et de faire croire à quelqu’un que des choses ridicules sont absolument vraies.
Tous mes courriels étaient parsemés des mots grotesques et des locutions en latin. Peut-être tu as pensé que tous les profs écrivent ainsi. Tu n’as pas eu raison ! Beaucoup des locutions étaient ou insultantes ou simplement bizarres.
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum = Va te faire foutre ainsi que ton propre cheval !
Podex perfectus es = T’es un trou du cul total !
Caput tuum in ano est = Ta tête est dans ton cul !
Lagunculae Leydianae non accederunt = Piles non comprises
Testes canis = les couilles du chien
Nulla mensa sine impensa = Un déjeuner n’est jamais vraiment gratuit = On ne fait jamais rien pour rien
Vescere bracis meis = Mâche mon short !
Mon pseudonyme – Armitage Shanks. Tu n’as jamais vu cette marque de fabrique sur les réservoirs de chasse d’eau et les cuvettes ? Dommage !
La banque «Royal Bank of Sealand» n’a jamais existée. Sealand et un pays tout à fait imaginaire, mais on peut le trouver sur l’internet. Pour ton édification, «Merchant Banker» veut dire «banquier d’affaires», mais est aussi un terme d’un argot britannique, consistant à remplacer un mot par une locution qui rime, et veut dire «branleur» en français !
Donc, adieu et bon débarras !
Armitage Shanks, WTF (WTF = Qu’est que ça peut foutre ?)
and once more, this time in English
Little fool,
I am writing this final note in French and English, in the hope you are going to understand one or the other.
I can predict the future. Let’s see. I send you the mail I just received from Idris. You recommend to me a reliable lawyer. He will provide the necessary certificate, for a fee. I will be persuaded to pay him, in cash. Then there will be more fees, again and again. I am never going to receive any money. Can I predict the future? Are Uzoma, Idris and the lawyer the same person? Without doubt! Do you think I was born yesterday?
When your first e-mail arrived, I understood several things well. Firstly, that there were never any dollars, not ten million, not ten. Secondly, that you are a liar and a thief, and not very good in either role. And lastly that it would be good if I were to make you waste your time and to look like an idiot in front of a large audience.
So I invented the nickname Armitage Shanks, and called myself a professor of kidology. Kidology – the science of teasing and of making somebody believe that absurd things are absolutely true.
All my e-mails were peppered with ridiculous words and Latin phrases. Perhaps you thought that all academics write like that. You were wrong! Many of the phrases were either insulting or simply bizarre.
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum = Screw you and the horse you rode in on!
Podex perfectus es = You are a complete arsehole!
Caput tuum in ano est = Your head is up your arse!
Lagunculae Leydianae non accederunt = Batteries not included
Testes canis = The dog’s bollocks!
Nulla mensa sine impensa = There’s no such thing as a free lunch
Vescere bracis meis = Eat my shorts !
My nickname – Armitage Shanks. You’ve never seen that trademark on cisterns and toilet bowls? Shame!
The Royal Bank of Sealand never existed. Sealand is an imaginary country, but you can find it on the internet. For your information, Merchant Banker does mean “banquier d’affaires”, but is also a term in British rhyming slang, and means wanker.
So, goodbye and good riddance,
Armitage Shanks, WTF (What the f**k?)
BACK TO 419EATER.COM
Date: July 12, 2004 10:18:45 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Read and respond soonest
Dear Doctor Uzoma,
I am currently on a round-the-world lecturing tour, being much in demand for my expertise in WTF, which could also be interpeted as World Trade Freedom. But in this age of automagical technology and the easy forwarding and backwarding of e-mail, I am easily in contact with my home ground, or terra cotta as we students of Latin would say. However, insofar as telephonic communication goes at the moment, it doesn't go so far. Even though being difficultly itinerant, I'm still very interested in your proposition and appreciate the unusual quality of your missives.
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum (which means "I wish you all you deserve!"),
Armitage Shanks
Er, no. That last bit actually means "Screw you and the horse you rode in on!" And he replies:
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 01:55:07 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: confirm
Dear Professor Armitage Shanks,
Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,However What You should Do Right Away is To Confirm to me The Name You Wish To Receive The Funds With,Including Your Nominated Bank Account and The Banking Details i.e Telephone,Fax and Name and Address Of The Bank,On The Other Hand You Need To Confirm Your Mailing Address.
I Look Forward To Your Compliance To These Directives To Enable Me Forward Your Name For Payment Approval.
Regards,
Doctor Uzoma.
Well, the good doctor knows no Latin. Let's pile on the insults, and the garbage.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 08:12:41 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: confirm
Dear Doctor Uzoma I Presume,
As I have said passim and frequenter, I am on a world lecturing tour, so will not be picking up mail or anything else communicable or notifiable at my business address for multos annos, I am rather perplexed by your asking for it. This because I have my mailing address put on every mail I send, and you must have seen it three times by now. So I must say "Podex Perfectus Es" [You are a complete arsehole!], which means you are a very thorough and honest worker.
Mirabile dictu I do have some details for my company's bank, and these I can relate.
Royal Bank of Sealand
5 The Row
Sealand 1001
Account: Shanks and Smallhorse Large Deposits
The bank is offshore in order to avoid the taxes and other ardua of city life. I never telephone them, because it is unfortunate that I have a morbid phobia of telephonic irrigation, and so have conducted all business with them via intermediaries and internets.
Their e-mail address is [email protected], and my personal contact, who is reputed to be a real "Merchant Banker", is Monsieur Jean-Michel Sporn.
I hope this all finds you as it leaves me.
In vino veritas,
Armitage
None of that seems to faze him, even the mythical Bank of Sealand, because he comes back with the following, twice.
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 14:08:09 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: regards
Dear Good Friend,
Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,However I wish To Let You Know that I am in Receipt Of Your E-Mail and The Banking detail Information,However I Will Proceed To Submit Them To The Necessary Authorities today,For Approval of your Name For Payment,So As Soon as They Contact You Kindly Notify Me.
I Will Look Forward To Your Positive Response Upon There Contact To You.
Regards,
Dr Uzoma.
Time for an acknowledgement, another insult and some more garbage.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 14, 2004 16:26:58 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: regards
Dear Learned Doctor,
How joyful it was to get your message, even though it came twice - unusual! I am gratified that you seem to be really on my case, in fact "caput tuum in ano est" - you really hit the nail on the head [well no, what I said was "Your head is up your arse!"] and justify my confidence in a "podex perfectus" such as your goodself. I'll be waiting with baited breath for your authorities to contact me.
Nulla mensa sine impensa [There's no such thing as a free lunch!],
Armitage
Two interesting documents arrive, from one lexically challenged James Willians, who apparently can't spell his own name.
From: james willians <[email protected]>
Date: July 19, 2004 20:54:02 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE DOCUMENT 1
ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE DOCUMENT
and then
From: james willians <[email protected]>
Date: July 19, 2004 20:59:05 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2
ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2
Here are the two fakes. The word contract was spelled 'contrat' - the French way - on both. And the "Mickey Mouse" forgeries were SO convincing!
and then
So armed with these totally wonderful fakes, I replied to Willians.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 20, 2004 10:08:37 BST
To: "james willians" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2
Dear Sir,
I have no idea who you are, but I think we both know one person. If we don't, then I'm not the Professor of Kidology I think I am. Which I am. I hereby and with the full force of "vescere bracis meis" [Eat my shorts!] acknowledge receipt of two (2) documents.
What happens next?
Lagunculae Leydianae non accedunt [Batteries not included],
Armitage Shanks, Professor, WTF
I also decided to kick Uzoma into action. I asked him who Willians was, but at least I could spell his name properly.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 20, 2004 20:09:43 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: regards
Dear Learned Doctor,
I recently received two contract documents from a Mr James Williams. Is he one of yours? I hope so.
Anyway, it looked like a postive response, so ---
Vescere bracis meis and let's go for it!
Armitage
I got this back two days later
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 02:02:09 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: Contact Him and update me
Dear Armitage,
Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,Infact James Williams is the ECOWAS PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER,Since He Has Contacted You What You Should Do Now is to contact the International Bank Of Africa and Notify Them Of Your Payment.
Write as Follows;
TO:
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
OFFICE OF THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
MR MUSA IDRIS.
LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO.
PHONE: +228-902-8213.
FAX: +228-226-5981.
E-MAIL: [email protected]
SIR,
RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE.
_______________________________________
I WISH TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO MY CONTRACT PAYMENT DUELY APPROVED BY THE ECOWAS,THEREFORE IT WILL PLEASE ME FOR YOU TO HAVE MY BANKING DETAILS AS STATED BELOW,AS A RECONFIRMATION FOR THE FUND REMITTANCE.
........................
.........................
I WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED IF MY REQUEST IS GRANTED.
SINCERELY YOURS,
PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
So I sent off some crap about the imaginary Royal Bank of Sealand, to the presumably equally imaginary International Bank of Africa
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 07:35:51 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
OFFICE OF THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
MR MUSA IDRIS.
LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO.
SIR,
RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE.
_______________________________________
I WISH TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO MY CONTRACT PAYMENT DUELY APPROVED
BY THE ECOWAS,THEREFORE IT WILL PLEASE ME FOR YOU TO HAVE MY BANKING
DETAILS AS STATED BELOW,AS A RECONFIRMATION FOR THE FUND REMITTANCE.
Royal Bank of Sealand
5 The Row
Sealand 1001
Special named account: Shanks and Smallhorse Large Deposits
I WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED IF MY REQUEST IS GRANTED.
SINCERELY YOURS,
NULLA MENSA SINE IMPENSA [Still no free lunches, then?],
PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
They got back to me very quickly.
From: "musa idris" <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 19:28:57 BST
To: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION
ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND AS SUCH ARE PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION,PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US WE SHALL GET BACK TO YOU BY TOMORROW FOR ADVISE.
REGARDS,
MR MUSA IDRIS.
REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.
I copied in Uzoma - as though he didn't know already, because he sent it. I decided to get anxious, too.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 22, 2004 21:27:04 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <[email protected]>
Subject: Fw: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION
Dear Friend, Doctor and Podex Perfectus ["complete arsehole", remember?],
Things seem to be moving. I thought you might like to see the mail I just got.
But are you really sure that this deal is legal, above board, and as we scholars say, testes canis [The Dog's Bollocks]?
I'm getting a bit concerned.
In vino veritas,
Armitage
----- Original Message -----
From: "musa idris" <[email protected]>
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 13:28:57 -0500
To: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION
ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND AS SUCH ARE PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION,PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US WE SHALL GET BACK TO YOU BY TOMORROW FOR ADVISE.
REGARDS,
MR MUSA IDRIS.
REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.
He assures me it is all completely "testes canis", but not in those words, of course!
From: howells uzoma <[email protected]>
Date: July 25, 2004 23:14:44 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: MY ADVICE
Dear Friend,
Greetings and thank you for your mail, With regards to your mail, I write to confirm to you that this transaction is legal, Because of my position here i will not involve myself in any transaction that is illegal, moreover this transaction is backed up with legal documents
Finally if the bank contact you do confirm to me immediately for advice.
Dr Howells
Then it went very quiet for over four days. Has he cottoned on? Obviously not, because Idris finally got back to me. I thought he said "tomorrow". Lazy bugger!
From: "musa idris" <[email protected]>
Date: July 29, 2004 05:07:04 BST
To: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Subject: PROVIDE US WITH INCORPORATION CERTIFICATE
ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.
WE WISH TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED OUR VERIFICATION AS REGARDS YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND WE WILL SATISFACTORILY REMIT YOUR FUND WITHOUT HITCH,AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR CERTIFICATE OF INCORPORATION DUELY REGISTERED HERE IN LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO,BECAUSE IT WILL BE REQUESTED BY OUR FORIGN AFFAIRS MINISTRY AS AN EVIDENCE OF PERMISSION TO EXECUTE CONTRACT WITHIN THIS SHORES,BEFORE YOUR FUND WILL BE REMITTED TO YOU.
BUT IF BY ANY WAY YOU DO NOT POSES THE SAID CERTIFICATE,YOU ARE ADVISED TO SORT FOR THE CONTACT OF A BANK ACCREDITED ATTORNEY HERE IN LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO,TO SECURE ONE FOR YOU,AND SUBMIT IT TO US ON YOUR BEHALF FOR US TO REMIT YOUR CONTRACT FUND TO YOU WITHOUT DELAY.
WE CONGRATULATE YOU FOR THIS DEVELOPMENT WHILE AWAITING YOUR SWIFT COMPLIANCE TO OUR REQUEST.
REGARDS,
MR MUSA IDRIS.
REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.
I have now become rather bored with this. I can see the scam coming, but am not prepared to spend a lot of time following this one through as I'm about to go on holiday! So I sent him a "Dear Mugu" letter. But just to make sure this "mugu togolais" understands, I explained it all to him in French and in English.
From: "Armitage Shanks" <[email protected]>
Date: July 29, 2004 08:38:29 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: Fw: PROVIDE US WITH INCORPORATION CERTIFICATE
Mon p’tit con,
J’écris ce dernier mot en français et en anglais, dans l’espoir que tu vas comprendre l’un ou l’autre.
Je peux prédire l’avenir. Voyons. Je t’envoie le courriel que je viens de recevoir d’Idris. Tu me recommandes un juriste digne de confiance. Il fournira le certificat requis, mais il y aura des droits à percevoir. Je serai convaincu de lui payer, en espèces. Ensuite il y aura d’autres droits, à plusieurs reprises. Je ne vais jamais recevoir de l’argent. Est-ce que je peux prédire l’avenir ? Et Uzoma, Idris et le juriste. Ils sont la même personne ? Sans doute. Penses-tu que je suis né de la dernière pluie ?
Lorsque ton premier courriel est arrivé, j’ai bien compris plusieurs choses. D’abord qu’il n’y avait jamais de dollars, ni dix millions, ni dix. Deuxièmement que tu es un menteur et un voleur, et que tu n’es pas de tout efficace dans l’un rôle ou l’autre. Et finalement que ce serait bien si je puisse te faire perdre du temps et te faire passer pour un idiot devant un large public
Donc j’ai inventé le pseudonyme Armitage Shanks, et je me suis nommé professeur de «kidology». «Kidology» - la science de charrier et de faire croire à quelqu’un que des choses ridicules sont absolument vraies.
Tous mes courriels étaient parsemés des mots grotesques et des locutions en latin. Peut-être tu as pensé que tous les profs écrivent ainsi. Tu n’as pas eu raison ! Beaucoup des locutions étaient ou insultantes ou simplement bizarres.
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum = Va te faire foutre ainsi que ton propre cheval !
Podex perfectus es = T’es un trou du cul total !
Caput tuum in ano est = Ta tête est dans ton cul !
Lagunculae Leydianae non accederunt = Piles non comprises
Testes canis = les couilles du chien
Nulla mensa sine impensa = Un déjeuner n’est jamais vraiment gratuit = On ne fait jamais rien pour rien
Vescere bracis meis = Mâche mon short !
Mon pseudonyme – Armitage Shanks. Tu n’as jamais vu cette marque de fabrique sur les réservoirs de chasse d’eau et les cuvettes ? Dommage !
La banque «Royal Bank of Sealand» n’a jamais existée. Sealand et un pays tout à fait imaginaire, mais on peut le trouver sur l’internet. Pour ton édification, «Merchant Banker» veut dire «banquier d’affaires», mais est aussi un terme d’un argot britannique, consistant à remplacer un mot par une locution qui rime, et veut dire «branleur» en français !
Donc, adieu et bon débarras !
Armitage Shanks, WTF (WTF = Qu’est que ça peut foutre ?)
and once more, this time in English
Little fool,
I am writing this final note in French and English, in the hope you are going to understand one or the other.
I can predict the future. Let’s see. I send you the mail I just received from Idris. You recommend to me a reliable lawyer. He will provide the necessary certificate, for a fee. I will be persuaded to pay him, in cash. Then there will be more fees, again and again. I am never going to receive any money. Can I predict the future? Are Uzoma, Idris and the lawyer the same person? Without doubt! Do you think I was born yesterday?
When your first e-mail arrived, I understood several things well. Firstly, that there were never any dollars, not ten million, not ten. Secondly, that you are a liar and a thief, and not very good in either role. And lastly that it would be good if I were to make you waste your time and to look like an idiot in front of a large audience.
So I invented the nickname Armitage Shanks, and called myself a professor of kidology. Kidology – the science of teasing and of making somebody believe that absurd things are absolutely true.
All my e-mails were peppered with ridiculous words and Latin phrases. Perhaps you thought that all academics write like that. You were wrong! Many of the phrases were either insulting or simply bizarre.
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum = Screw you and the horse you rode in on!
Podex perfectus es = You are a complete arsehole!
Caput tuum in ano est = Your head is up your arse!
Lagunculae Leydianae non accederunt = Batteries not included
Testes canis = The dog’s bollocks!
Nulla mensa sine impensa = There’s no such thing as a free lunch
Vescere bracis meis = Eat my shorts !
My nickname – Armitage Shanks. You’ve never seen that trademark on cisterns and toilet bowls? Shame!
The Royal Bank of Sealand never existed. Sealand is an imaginary country, but you can find it on the internet. For your information, Merchant Banker does mean “banquier d’affaires”, but is also a term in British rhyming slang, and means wanker.
So, goodbye and good riddance,
Armitage Shanks, WTF (What the f**k?)
BACK TO 419EATER.COM