TITLE: The Hitchhikers Guide To Handwriting
SCAMMER NAME: Cyril Ifey
SCAMMER LOCATION: Madrid, Spain
SCAMBAITER: Shiver Metimbers

Cyril is a little sneaky, though not quite sneaky enough. As you all know I receive dozens of scam emails on a daily basis, and to selection of them I recently sent the following reply:

Dear Mr. XXXXX

Thank you very much for you interesting email, it was kind of you to contact me with your proposition.

Unfortunately I am not in a position to help you at this point in time as my company are conducting a very important 4 year long research project on Advanced Handwriting Recognition and Graphology systems.

Our work is extremely intensive and vitally important for our clients. They have committed over eight million dollars to our project and we are nearing the final stages. After nearly 4 years of research and development we are now only three months away from the conclusion and I am afraid I can allow nothing to interfere with the project until its completion.

We are always looking for paid volunteers to help with our project. If you are aware of anyone who would like to earn money by helping with our project by providing samples of their own handwriting to us then please do read the submission information below. We pay US $100.00 per page of handwriting samples.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems



YOUR HANDWRITING SAMPLES WANTED TO HELP OUR RESEARCH PROJECT.

We are looking for people to submit samples of their own handwriting to add to our database of hand written text. Currently we have over three hundred thousand handwritten pages from people all over the world and we are looking for more all the time. All the handwriting is analysed by computer and the data will then be used to facilitate the completion of advanced artificial intelligence systems for our client, Cyberdyne Systems.

We are currently looking for people to submit by email attachment, scans of their handwriting samples so that we can increase the size and thus the computational power of our preliminary database.

NOTE: We will supply the text for you to copy by email attachment. You do not have to write your own story, poem etc. All that is required is that you duplicate the text we send to you in your own handwriting on paper and then scan it and return it to us by email attachment.

Handwriting samples are very valuable to our project so Singlesideband Systems are prepared to pay US $100 (one hundred dollars) for every sheet of handwritten text that is submitted to us. However please note that the MINIMUM number handwriting sample pages you can submit is 100 (one hundred). Of course, you may submit as many as you wish above that number. We would certainly take as many handwriting samples as you are able to provide.

If you think you may know anyone who may be able to help us in this project, please contact me at my email address below and we will forward you very simple instructions on how to submit your handwriting samples by email attachment.

OK, so Cyril was one of the scammers who send me your bog-standard 419 scam to which I replied with the above letter, however Cyril though that it would be better to wait a few days and then contact me again under a different name to say he had heard of my companies project elsewhere.

Cyril has a lot of work in front of him...

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 17, 2006
Subject: Contribution to Database of hand witten text

Dear Arthur Dent,

Refering to the above subject, I wish to make contribution to the poject.

Send me details of text to be hand witten and guidelines as well information on how I will receive payment for my contribution.

Thanking you in advanve for the opportunity.

Cyril.

And so it begins..!

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 17, 2006

Dear Cyril,

Thank you for your reply and your interest in our research, this is very much appreciated.

You did not inform me how many pages you wish to submit, so the file attached is a book in full form. The file is in PDF format which is a universal format that you should be able to view on most computers.

Please duplicate as many pages as you wish in your own, or friends handwriting. You may if you wish duplicate the entire book in your handwriting is you wish (or even ask some of your friends or associates to help). If you duplicate the entire book then we give a $2000 bonus payment as well with the standard $100 dollars per page rate.


SUBMISSION RULES

The MINIMUM number of pages we can accept is 100 however you may submit as many as you wish.

It is very important that each A4 page matches the book pages as closely as possible, so for instance if you are copying up to page 120 of the book, you should have 120 A4 pages of your own text. The number of your pages/scans must match the page numbers of the book.


1. Payment is made only on receipt of the full 100 or more pages. Note that we do not pay any money in advance of receiving the completed pages.
2. You may if you wish submit to us one page so that we can inform you if you are producing the work correctly.
3. The paper must be lined and the layout of the A4 page must match as closely as you can the layout of each page you are copying.
4. All writing MUST be in BLACK ink/pen.


IMPORTANT: Note that we can only make one payment to you, so for instance you cannot submit 100 pages, then get paid, then submit more pages. You are only allowed to submit work once and once only.

If you are not sure of any part of these instructions, please do get in touch with me for clarification.

Also, please let me know by what means you prefer your payment to be made.


Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

I attach the full book one of Harry Potter and cross my fingers!

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 17, 2006
Subject: Re: Contribution to Database of hand witten text

Dear Arthur Dent,

Thank you for the detailed guidelines you emailed me. You also will not pay advance fee which is rational, but how do you gurantee I shall receive my payment after meeting your overall requirements?

Where, I live in Spain, I have not come accross a lined A4 sheet. Could you help send to me at my address? So it appears Spain is bereft of A4 lined paper?!

Finally, what options of payment means do you offer and how long does it take between the time of submission and payment.

Please bear with me on the several questions I have put foward, but I need to be sure I make meaningful contribution and also receive my payment. I really want to participate.

Sincerely,

Cyril.

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 17, 2006

Dear Cyril,

Thank you for your reply.

I do not know what to offer you as a guarantee that you will receive your payment only that my company has been in business for over 15 years and has earn a very valuable reputation. We work with many other clients and of course we would never do anything that would damage such and extremely valuable reputation. Please remember that it was you that approached us, we did not come looking for you. We have no need nor any intention to "defraud" people. We are quite busy enough with our current research project and ripping people off is not what we are in business for. As you can understand because of our generous offer we get many many people submitting their work to us, so if you feel uncomfortable with our offer then please feel free to seek help elsewhere, we certainly have plenty of other people available to help us. Hands up all those who think Cyril will refuse my offer of money!

I cannot understand why you cannot fined lined paper in Spain, in fact my sister lives in Madrid and I am assured there is plenty of it there, in fact we have had 8 submissions from people located in various parts of Spain so I do know that it is available if you look properly. We will accept submissions on normal un-lined paper however you must ensure that the handwriting is straight because if it is not then our computer systems take much much longer to process them.

All payments are processed within 24 hours of receiving your submissions, and sometime even on the same day if your submissions are received early enough in the day.

We offer almost any form of payment your require. Please inform me how you would like your payment to be sent and I will tell you if we can do it that way.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 17, 2006
Subject: Re: Contribution to Database of hand witten text

Dear Arthur Dent,

I have just been able to open the pdf using adobe reader. Thanks for your understanding. I will look for the lined paper and see if i can get to work starting tomorrow.

I shall prefer payment send to me by Western Union wire or to my bank account so long as the later will not take longer time to get here. You advise in the light of this.

Finally, do I have a time frame to get my submission to you and must it be email scan and if yes, to which email address?

Thanks.

Cyril.

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 17, 2006

Dear Cyril,

Thank you for your swift reply.

Western Union will not be a problem for us. Please can you inform me if there is any kind of limit as to the size of payment you can accept in your country? We recently paid a gentleman in Africa for some work but he could not accept more the $4,500 in a single payment.

There is no time frame as such but obviously the quicker you can submit the work then the faster we can make the payment to you.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 17, 2006
Subject: Re: Contribution to Database of hand witten text

Dear Arthur Dent,

The limit here in Spain for western union is 3000 euors at a time but you can receive as much as 10,000.00 if sent by different persons.

if am submitting 100 , then I suppose, I should be receiving 10,000 dollars as my payment. This definitely can not be received at a time from same sender. If this will present some inconvienience to you, then bank wire may be the option for me.

Please Can I have your phone number so I can call you for a short talk.

Meanwhile, I ried copying the first page of the document you sent, but it did not contain in one page of the A4 paper, though it is a plane sheet(not lined) an experimental work though. Must it be contained in one? What if it doesn't? Could it be accepted, provided my submission even if it came up to 120 pages, but covers only first 100 pages of the text and is calculated as such? I hope you get what am trying to say here.

Cyril

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 17, 2006

Dear Cyril,

Making multiple Western Union payments is not a problem. We had to make three for the person in Africa and it did not present us with any problems.

All we require is that you copy the book pages as they are written, so for instance if a book page does not contain enough text to fill a complete A4 page this does not matter. Just ensure your pages contain a duplicate of the book page you are copying. If the book page has only half a page of text, then your handwritten page only needs to contain that half a page worth of book text only. Also, please remember to ensure all your pages are numbered identically to the book pages.

Remember one page of the book must equal one page of your text. So if you decide to copy say 150 pages of the book, you must also have 150 pages of handwriting, no more no less.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

I forgot to include my telephone number in my previous email as requested, so Cyril gets a bit lippy...

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 17, 2006
Subject: Re: Contribution to Database of hand witten text

Dear Arthur Dent.

Thanks for all the explanations given. I expected you will give me your phone number but you didnt, neither did you say why. I also visited your web site but most links are not up as to have your office or postal address. Dont you think particpants should be able to have your physical address and phone number feel confident?

Sincerely,

Cyril.

I let Cyril know that I won't stand for his foolishness.

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 17, 2006

Dear Cyril,

Because of all the multiple explanations I have had to give you I just forgot to include my number, but here is +44 8707 65X XXX.

As my website quite CLEARLY states, it is in the process of being upgraded, hence some sections are not yet working. Now, if you are going to act sarcastic and start accusing me of things, please GO AWAY and do NOT bother me again. I do not, I repeat, I do not have time to waste, and I am most DEFINITELY not begging for your help. Now, if you can help that is good, if not then please find someone else to annoy.

I do not have time to waste with people who are just here to ask continual questions and waste my very valuable time. Either submit the work, or respectfully go away and leave me to get on with things without your interruptions.

You may or may not be aware of this Cyril, but you are just one of hundreds of other people I am dealing with who are waiting to submit work. THEY seem to be serious about doing so. Sadly I feel I cannot say the same about you.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 19, 2006
Subject: Trial Submission

Dear Arthur Dent,

The last email from you showed you wre annoyed with me but I did not intend to annoy you or waste your time. I did express my concern in getting a standard A4 lined sheets here in spain but you dismissed it. I searched in corte Ingles for this type of paper and some other paper shops and coundnt get what I feel you want.(you may ask your sister in spain here how big corte ingles is) You may tell her to assist me in getting the actual paper specification for me. I will pay the cost

The second diffficulies am having is to scan to the size 1200 pixels you said. I dont have scanner neither do i know how to use one, but I went toshops that render scanning service and they couldnt produce the scan s you instructed.

I am attaching a trial copy for you to check both paper type and the lay out. I really want to do this. I have even friends who will assist me produce the work fast, but I need to be sure I am doing it correct because, I have to pay them.

If you are convinced that am serious but for the above two constraints, then be kind enough to assist me as much as you can to get the correct thing or if you can accept the work as it appeared in this attached sample.

Sincerely,

Cyril.

Cyril attaches a scan of a single page.

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 19, 2006

Dear Cyril,

Thank you for submitting the test scan.

If I appeared to be frustrated in my previous email it is because my time is extremely valuable to me and I do not have much time to waste these days. Usually you will find me a very pleasant and easy to get on with person but I have got a great deal of pressure on my at the moment. This project is worth a lot of money to my company and it is vital that it succeeds, especially for my employees.

Getting back to your sample submission, I can confirm that what you sent to me is completely acceptable. Just remember that when you submit the rest of the pages that they are numbered identically to the page that you are copying as you did with the sample.

If you would like to inform me how many pages you and your friends will be submitting I will make arrangements for the payment to be made ready for you immediately that you complete it. If you are going to be able to submit the entire book then that would be great but we will need to know because we pay a bonus payment for completing the entire work.

Thank you once again.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

Nearly a week later, Cyril replies.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 24, 2006
Subject: Progress of work

Dear Authur Dent,

As at the time of this email , I have re-produced 100 pages and by Friday it may be uto 160 or more.It is my desire to re-produce the entire book and possibly accept more work from you if given the opportunity because I engaged extra hands whom I am paying in advance to assist.

Could I send in the completed ones because I may not have the money to scan all at the same time as the extra hands I co-opted have been paid in advance thus leaving me without enough funds.

Thanks for your consideration.

Cyril.

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 24, 2006

Dear Cyril,

You may if you wish send in the pages that you have done so far. Please note though that as I informed you previously my company can only make one payment to you, so if you are going to complete the book and be awarded the bonus payment then you will have to wait until you have submitted all the completed pages before the payment can be made to you, but again, you are free to send in the samples you have completed so far.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 24, 2006
Subject: Re: Progress of work

Dear Arthur Dent,

If am able to send in 100 pages, could you persenally send me 400 dollars to enable me pay for the scanning of the rest of the work and also paty up my helpers as I am paying them in advance. This is a private request and I dont intend to annoy you by this.

Also, You mentioned in a previous email that you can give me more work to do after completing this one. Does it mean if I am willing to accept more work, I shall have to finish it before you pay for both since you said your company can only pay once to me?

Finally, in sending money to me, no doubt the complete amount for the entire book cant be sent at a time to me. I can only recieve equivalent of 2,999.00 EUROS at a time, so how do you overcome this problem? Will you transfer part to my bank account and send part my western union.

I shall be making the first submissions by Friday, or Saturday as many as available funds in hand can take care of because right now I have almost 150 pages of the work ready for scanning.

Sincerely,

Cyril.

From: Arthur Dent
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: January 24, 2006

Dear Cyril,

It is important you understand fully how our system works:

1. We do not under any circumstances pay any money, no matter how small, in advance of receiving any work.
2. Although we can make multiple payments to you as you cannot accept a large payment in one amount we can only pay you one time only.

I cannot help you with the advance payment of $400. If this is a problem for you then I advise you to stop your work immediately because there is no way we can continue.


So let me assume that you are going to complete the entire book:

If you completed the entire book you would be entitled to a payment of US $24,900 (249 pages x $100) PLUS a bonus of $2,000 for completing the entire book, making a total payment due to you of US $26,900 which is roughly 21,950 Euros. As you stated you can only accept payments of 2,999 Euros per payment we could split this into seven separate payments. Again it is VERY important for you to note that once we have made this payment to you we CAN NOT make any more payments to you, so again, you cannot send in say 100 pages and then get paid, and then send in say another 100 pages. We do not work in that way.

Sincerely,

Arthur Dent BSC. HHGTTG. PhD.
Director
Singlesideband Systems

A few days later and Cyril sends in the ENTIRE Harry Potter book one, all hand-written, all scanned, all in sequence, and all a complete and utter waste of Cyril's time.

Unfortunately I am a victim of my own success as I now have to create 249 links to the scanned pages for you guys to view!

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 30, 2006
Subject: Payment information

Dear Arthur Dent,

Here is how you make the payments to me.

Send a total of $9,500 by western union splited into three instalments in favor of the three names below and all with destination as MADRID. Email me the Senders name and address, the MTCN NUMBERS FOR EACH WIRE, and where the money is sent from.

AGUNANNAH CYRIL IFEANYI - ( $3,500.00)
KELECHI OKWARA - ($3,500.00)
AGUNANNAH CYRIL IFEANYI - ($ 2,500.00

The balance of $17,000.00 please should be wired into my account and the wire slip sent to me by email scan. My bank account information is as stated below:

Bank name: LA CAIXA
Bank Address: C. LAS PALMAS,58
28938 MOSTOLES
MADRID SPAIN

Account name: AGUNANNAH CYRIL IFEANYI
Account number: ES19 2100- 2396 -36- 2000007225
Swift: CAIXESBBXXX

Looking forward to receiving the wire information today as I commence to send in the remaining samples.

Sincerely,

Cyril.

A good job done by Cyril, and I shall reward him by not bothering to reply to him.

NOTE: Because of copyright issues, the images above will be changed shortly out of respect for Mrs. Rowling!

It's the day after and Cyril is wondering where his payment is.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthur Dent
Date: January 31, 2006
Subject: Re: Payment information

Dear Arthur Dent,

Well I expected to hear from you before now but you did not write or call. Your phone wasn,t responding either so I dont know.... At the time of writing it is almost 9:30pm so I guess I wont be hearing from you again.Goodnight,

Sincerely,

Cyril.

Well, I didn't bother to reply to Cyril for almost a week. I wanted to make him think he may possibly have been screwed over.

Now for Arthur Dent's partner to get in touch.

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: February 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

My name is Dirk Gently and I am the Managing Director of Singlesideband Systems.

It is my understanding that you have recently been helping the director Mr. Arthur Dent with our handwriting project. Please can you confirm this to me?

I am afraid that for reasons I cannot explain until you reply, Mr. Dent has not been in work for over a week now, and so you will have lost contact with him. If you are indeed helping Mr. Dent with our project then please inform me ASAP as I will now be dealing with you from now on.

Kind regards,

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesideband Systems

Cyril is unimpressed.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: February 6, 2006
Subject: Re: Enquiry

Dear Mr. Gently,

Yes I have been helping "Mr Arthur Dent". Oh dear, the quotation marks treatment! It cost me money to get people help me complete the work on Harry Potter book, a total of 249 pages which Your director supposed to have paid me for as agreed, but surprisingly the day I was to be paid, he stopped communicating me nor could I reach him again on his phone.

Well you people are owing me as you know so if you want to pay me for my completed work, I shall be most happy but I doubt your genuity I must sincerely say.

Cyril

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: February 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

Thank your for your reply, however if like you say you doubt I am being genuine then there is little point in us proceeding.

I wish you luck for the future

Sincerely,

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesideband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: February 6, 2006
Subject: Re: Enquiry

There is no point in you proceeding to pay me for already completed work or no point continuing in doing more work? Mr Dirk, What exactly do you want? Are you people paying me for the one I have done or not? THIS IS VERY SIMPLE . I AM NOT OWING YOU . YOU ARE THE ONE OWING ME.

Cyril

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: February 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

If that is your attitude then I hope you will feel better left alone.

Goodbye.

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesideband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: February 6, 2006
Subject: Re: Enquiry

God bless you Managing Director Dirk Gently. I can see you dont believe you owe me anything and I have not made any contribution to your Project.

May you be treated the same way you have treated me in all endeavours of your life.

Cyril

Cyril then sends an email to Arthur Dent to see what the situation is.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Arthir Dent
Date: February 6, 2006
Subject: For Mr Arthur Dent

Dear Arthur Dent,

I have not heard from you since February first, but this evenning a man wrote to me saying he is to continue to deal with me from now in your stead? His name is Dirk Gently and supposedle has the designation of Managing Director of Singlesideband system.

First his email requesting me to confirm if I was helping you in the hadwritting to me was rather suspicious because, he ought to have had my information enough to tell me what I needed to hear. Remember at the early stage of my contact with you, I did ask for gurantee to show that I will be paid on completetion of the work and you told me your word is your gurantee. You even wrote an annoying letter because of my questions for clarifications and all that. You told me I would be paid same day I complete my submissions.

But instead of beign paid, you cut of communication for almost a week without a word to tell me this or that is the reason, and just today someonelse wrote me in your stead.

Well, I do not know the constraints you may be having but I want to say that, I deserve my payment as soon as you can. In my response to Mr Gently,I expressed my dissapointments and present doubt of genuity of the entire excersise which ofcourse stems from the disspointment and discommunication with me by you at the time I was expecting my payment. If it were you, you will certainly feel the same way. Instead of your managing Director to appologige or at least explain why I have not heard from you, he only wrote to tell me there is no point in us proceeding since I say I doubt his genuity.

Well, whichever way he understands it, I leave everything to God. If you decide to pay me or tell me why I must not be paid, I shall be happy, but if you decide not to pay me because i expressed my annoyance and feelings for how you treated me, I can only say that you were never ready to pay me for the work ans so I take it as one of those man´s inhumanity to Man. It is a lesson for me also. But I know I put in every strenght I could to work for you.

Sincerely,

Cyril.

Dirk has news for Cyril.

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: February 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

Please do not bother addressing your email to Mr. Dent. He is dead, which is the reason he has not replied to you. I was going to explain the circumstances to you in detail before you decided to act like a bloody fool.

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesideband Systems

A change of tune from Cyril, now that he realises Dirks holds the purse strings.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: February 6, 2006
Subject: i apologise

Oh Mr Dirk Gently,

How would I know. I am really really very sorry to hear that the Gentleman is dead. It is a pity. How did it happen. car accident or what. I really am very sorry. But even at at that, I do not merit to be addressed as a fool Mr Gently. You may act the same way I did if you wrere in my shoes. All the same, I am sorry .

So what do I do and how do you want us to proceed? I wont mind to give you a call if you leave your number.

My condolence tou you and the rest of members and staff of singlesband systems.

Sincerely,

Cyril.

I didn't bother to reply. I let Cyril stew for a few hours. He wrote back:

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: February 6, 2006
Subject: Re: i apologise

Dear Dirk Gently,

Ii was hoping to hear from you again. Ii hope you are not still bitter with my attitude. I didnt know Mr Dent was dead and am very sorry the way I responded to you the last time.

I do hope you write to let me know how I can proceed with youon the project.

Sincerely,

Cyril

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: February 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

I suppose that with you not having the full facts and being under the mistaken assumption that Mr. Dent was deliberately trying to deceive you then you can be forgiven for jumping to the wrong conclusion.

I have now had time to inspect the work that you sent into Mr. Dent and for the most part it is acceptable, and I see no reason why your payment cannot be quickly made providing you make some correction to certain pages. There are some pages which we cannot accept in their current state as large portions of text have been obscured/removed. I bring your attention to the following pages:

Page 10, page 34, page 69, page 83, page 109, and finally page 142.

These six pages will have to be resubmitted. Once that has been done then I can validate your work and approve the full payment to you.

Sincerely,

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesidband Systems

It takes a few days for my request to sink in, but eventually Cyril has no choice really!

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: February 9, 2006
Subject: Re: i apologise

Dear Mr Gently,

Thanks for your understanding and reconsideration. I shall re write and or re-scan the 6 pages mentioned as soon as posiible.

Please let me know the email address where I should send the corrected pages and leave me a phone number to reach you as soon as am through with the needed corrections.

Thanks once again for your understanding

Sincerely,

Cyril.

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: February 10, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

You may use the same email address that Mr. Dent gave to you. Once you have the samples completed and sent, please advise me and if you supply me with your contact number I shall call you to confirm payment details etc.

Sincerely,

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesideband Systems

Cyril then doesn't bother to contact me at all. Has he twigged? After nearly a month of waiting I decide to contact him.

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: March 4, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

Am I to assume that by your lack of contact for nearly a month now that you now longer wish to pursue your payment claim?

Sincerely,

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesidband Systems

Two days later Cyril replies, but it's not looking promising.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: March 6, 2006

Dear Mr Gently,

Thanks for your email. I will be very happy to receive my payment and I have done the necessary I believe.

You mentioned in your last email to me that there are some pages of my submissions that I need to re-send. However at this point,I will like you to pay me based on the number of pages you have certified ok as I will no longer be able to re -write the few pages you said where not ok.

If you need fresh information on how to send my payment, please let me know.

Regards,

Cyril

Looks like this may be the end. I'll sign off with a mild slap!

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: March 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey, I am afraid I find your apathy towards this project quite revealing about your character.

Your last contact to me was a month ago to tell me you would be sending the required 6 pages, the previous versions of which looked as though they were copied by a blind man with both of his arms amputated at birth and sewn back onto his kneecaps. Then for some reasons known only to yourself, you decide to sit on your fat arse doing nothing for a month just waiting for me to ask you what the problem is.

Now that I have actually contacted you because you couldn't be bothered, you decide you want your payment in full from me, and that you are not going to send the replacements for the pitiful and unfinished work you have already sent to us? You have deemed it in your infinite wisdom that you will no longer re-write the six pages, and you wait a MONTH to drag your sweaty buttocks off your chair to tell me that? Tell me Mr. Ifey, are the rest of your family as lazy and pompous as you are?

Let me make it quite clear to you that you agreed to provide work to us in completed form, not in a form which takes on the appearance of having been vomited up by dog. The only "fresh" information I require from you Mr. Ifey is your latest psychiatric report. That must surely be a wondrous thing to behold. It appears they really do have Internet terminals in padded cells these days.

Just in case you didn't get any hints from my message above, no, you shall not be receiving one single penny from my company. Rather than use your work to help with out project I shall pass it on to our janitorial department and have them use it for staff toilet paper.

I trust I shall not be hearing from you again.

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesidband Systems

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: March 6, 2006

Dear Mr Gently,

The choice to complete the entire work was mine as Mr. Dent only told me to submit a minimum of 100 pages and completing the entire work only entitles me to a bonus payment. I therefore see nothing out of place to say I will not be able to re-write the six pages and it doesent affect using the good ones in your project I assumed.

It is unfortunate that you mis-construe me easily, but all the same i will like you to know that time constraints is the only reason I said I will not be able to re-write the bad ones .

Regards,

Cyril.

From: Dirk Gently
To: Cyril Ifey
Date: March 6, 2006

Dear Mr. Ifey,

If the agreement was initially for one hundred pages then you still have to resubmit pages 10, 34, 69 and 83 which are completely inadequate. 100 pages means one hundred consecutive pages. You have not yet submitted 100 consecutive pages because 10, 24, 69 and 83 are unacceptable, therefore you are ineligible for payment.

As you have twice refused to complete the remaining pages then I no not expect a reply from you.

Sincerely,

Dirk Gently
Managing Director
Singlesideband Systems

At this point Cyril seemed to gather more than two brain cells together and come to the realisation that he had been taken for a ride.

From: Cyril Ifey
To: Dirk Gently
Date: March 7, 2006

Look you shameless scammer with the name Dirk And Arthur, I already know what you are upto all this while starting from the day you "died" as Arthur Dent AND THEN RESSURECTED AS Dirk GENTLY. YOU HAVE NO PHYSICAL ADDRESS,YOUR SCAMM WEBSITE IS PERPETUALLY BEING UPGRADED AND NO TELEPHONE YOU CALL YOUR OWN. I FELL FOR YOU INITIALLY BUT REALISED LATER THE SHAMLESS IDIOT WITHOUT CONSCIENCE THAT YOU ARE. I DONT NEED YOUR MONEY AND OFCOURSE YOU CANT HAVE ACCESS TO MY BANK ACCOUNT. THERE IS NO MONEY FOR YOU TO TAKE FROM THAT ACCOUNT I SENT YOU. YOU ARE A BIG LOOSER HERE ON EARTH AND EVEN AFTER.

DIE A MISSERABLE REAL DEATH THIS TIME AND RESSURECT ONLY IN HELL.

Cyril seems to be under the assumption that I wanted access to his bank account and that I am the scammer. This guy truly is as dumb as a brush.

That was the last email I received from Cyril.

END.

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